Yay, another exciting new chain mail meme! This time Facebook’s latest fad, “25 Random Things About Me.” Here goes:
1. When I was 9, I mistakenly dumped highly radioactive waste behind my elementary school. They say it should be safe to return in about 58,000 years.
2. I was immaculately conceived.
3. I like to imagine what it would be like to lie naked in a field of grass, looking up at the stars, and wishing I had never gotten involved with those folks from Jonestown. Bummer.
4. For a few years after college, I lived among the Mole People in their underground city beyond the Forbidden Zone, until I was captured by apes and brought back to their simian village. I still miss those guys.
5. I invented sneakers in order to get out of having to take tap dancing lessons.
6. I speak Sanskrit, Portuguese and giraffe.
7. My only parent was Scatman Crothers (see #2); he was demanding at times (see #5), but did the best he could. That shit that went down in “The Shining” was real, based on my early childhood. We moved around a lot.
8. For me, there’s nothing more relaxing than listening to styrofoam.
9. Punctuation scares the shit out of me.
10. The hardest day of my life was D-Day; so bad I don’t even want to talk about it, trying to find some stupid hick kid lost in France. To this day, a plinking piano still gives me the willies.
11. I once found Santa Claus sleeping in our backyard pool. It was December 26, so of course the pool was empty. But it was pretty gross. I guess he was too tired to care. I called the cops on him.
12. My best friend in the whole world is Ozzy Osbourne. Yes, that Ozzy Osbourne. Funny story how we met; I just can’t remember it. We don’t get to see each other that much any more, and Sharon definitely is a Class-A asshole.
13. The 80s were a tough time for me. I had a problem, no one else could help, but I found these unemployed vets and hired them. But I swore not to divulge the details; something about them being accused of a crime they didn’t commit.
14. The celebrity I most want to meet is Thundarr the Barbarian.
15. I wrote the lyrics to “Stairway to Heaven”, but being in my Buddhist phase at the time, seeking true enlightenment, and divorcing myself of all material wants, I just handed them over to that hippie dude from England. Man, the 70s were crazy days!
16. I hold the record for the fastest underwater hand jive.
17. I homeschool my pet hamster. I think he’s getting resentful, but I don’t want him to be exposed to all the drugs and anti-social behavior in the public Habitrail. He’ll thank me for it later.
18. My neighbor was a POW while serving in the Ko-Dan Armada. After the war, he apparently won a big settlement from the Star League for being mistreated. You never hear about that in the liberal media.
19. I don’t like horror movies at all, particularly those terrifying stop-motion animation holiday specials from Rankin-Bass. So creepy.
20. I’m pretty tolerant of all races, persuasions and creeds. Except zombies. Lazy, worthless undead who think society owes them a free ride. They totally turn neighborhoods to shit, bringing bring down real estate values. I bet they’re all on public assistance, too.
21. I shot the deputy.
22. I remember hiking around Beggars Canyon back in the day, before all the outlet malls and crappy tourist shops. I think I still have a womp rat fur cap boxed away somewhere.
23. My first computer was a HAL-9000. I programmed it to fill the monitor screen with random numbers. That was cool.
24. I once applied for a job with this company that was going to study some weirdness that was happening on this remote island. More 70s enlightenment bullshit (see # 15), but with a scientific angle, too. This was when I was drinking, and thought that I needed to just get away for a while, someplace warm with a beach. Totally blew the interview, though.
25. After years of not speaking to one another, refusing to even be in the same room, I’m finally on good terms with my Evil Twin. Thanks, Facebook!