Chopped

Ah, Star Wars. Still coming off my Force Awakens hangover. I loved it. The plot holes, the formulas, the callbacks. So help me god every fan-pandering moment was a joy to behold. So much so I saw the film twice in one day. Never did that before.

TFA got me thinking about revisionism, mostly the kind that percolates in my head (I will often lie in bed and think about how I would redo the infamous prequel trilogy, in order to —interpret this as you will — help me fall asleep). But also the various fan edits, recuts, and do-overs.

So, having only recently learned about the Machete Order, I decided to give it a go. Briefly, the order in which to watch the films is as follows:

1. Star Wars (aka Episode IV: A New Hope, blah-di blah; to me it’ll always simply be Star Wars)
2. The Empire Strikes Back
3. Attack of the Clones
4. Revenge of the Sith
5. Return of the Jedi

The Force is not strong with this one.

Watched SW. Loved it, (aged) warts and all. Watched Empire, loved it as a near-masterpiece from a storytelling and cinematic POV.

Started watching Clones, which is my least intolerable of the prequels. It was… a minor torture, and I think it’s because it followed after the joy of the first two films. This was like getting banged in the balls. Ooof. Not debilitating, but you get a little sick to the stomach and an uncomfortable ache that lasts a while.

But the problem was the jarring transition from the intense drama of the end of Episode V to the schiozoid plot(s) of Episode II. One minute Han is in deep shit and Luke One-Hand is trying to wrap his had around the worst family news ever, and the next it’s the wussy love story between a couple of insufferable Millennials. A whiny Jedi and the precocious SJW girl he’s stalking. Oh, and with bits of galactic C-SPAN hearing thrown in for good measure.

But I get through it. And next there’s Sith. Jesus, this one just gets worse ever time I see it. Skipped over huge chunks of “action sequences” which contribute nothing to the characters or plot. It is without a doubt the worst film in the entire series.

Then concluded with Jedi, at which point I was sick of the entire thing. Yes, the Machete Order actually made Jedi worse. Because after sitting through two films full of characters I don’t care about predictably doing really stupid shit, it only draws attention to the SAME FLAWS in what should have been the best film of the entire original trilogy.

Every misstep, every cheesy moment in Jedi was amplified. I almost couldn’t get through it. Then I realized that all the problems in the prequels can be traced back to Episode VI.

So I starting thinking of my fixes to that film. TO BE CONTINUED.